A Series Of Unfortunate Events
by mak133
Summary: When Glynda goes on vacation, Ozpin thinks he can handle running the school on his own. He couldn't be more wrong.


Chapter One: The Mysterious Dookie

The sky was clear and the shattered moon shone brightly in the night over Beacon Academy's courtyard. There was a brisk chill in the air, typical of a spring night.

Weiss Schnee walked along the pathway of the large courtyard with a dog leash in hand. Attached to the dog leash… was a dog. A black and white Corgi named Zwei.

"Ugh," Weiss rubbed her eyes with her free hand. "You're cute, Zwei, but it is such a pain to walk you in the middle of the night."

"Arf!" Zwei barked in response.

"SHHHH!" Weiss hushed the puppy. "Nobody knows you're here! We're not even allowed to have pets at Beacon!"

Zwei barked again, but quietly this time.

"Just hurry up and… do your thing." Weiss sighed. "I swear, it's Ruby's turn to do this tomorrow night…"

Zwei walked ahead of Weiss, tugging at the leash and sniffing at the concrete path in front of him. Once he decided where he was going to relieve himself, Zwei lowered himself to the ground and raised his tail in the air.

Weiss looked away, feeling it was indecent to watch someone while they were going to the bathroom.

Once he was finished, Zwei let out a bark to get Weiss' attention. She looked down at the ground, and in the moonlight, she saw a pile of excrement that was almost half the size of the dog.

"Holy crap…" Weiss muttered. "Who knew something so big could come out of something so small…"

She then shook her head, knowing she had just unintentionally used a pun. _That brute is rubbing off on me,_ she thought irritably.

Zwei barked at her, as if asking " _Are you picking it up?"_

"No way in hell," she said in disgust. "I am NOT touching that. Never have, never will. Someone else will take care of it like always."

Suddenly, the sound of a door opening on the other side of the courtyard echoed through the air.

"Uh oh!" Weiss said as she quickly bent down and picked up the small dog, throwing him under her arm. "We need to go!"

She ran barefoot into the grass, spinning around on her heel to avoid running into the pile of dog poo. Weiss hurried back into the dorm building of Beacon with the little dog in her arms, avoiding whoever was coming down the path in front of them.

* * *

Professor Ozpin stepped outside into the courtyard with his fresh cup of 2 A.M. coffee in hand. He deeply inhaled the brisk night air into his lungs before exhaling slowly.

Glynda was gone on an extended vacation. She'd requested some time off, citing the fact that 'she just needed some alone time.' Ozpin was happy to grant her request. After all, she'd more than earned it after all of the time she put into repairing the school grounds as a result of the students nearly destroying the campus on a daily basis.

 _Honestly, what could happen with Glynda gone?_ Ozpin thought to himself as he strolled across the concrete. The Headmaster of Beacon felt a little bit of freedom now that his second in command was taking some time off.

He began humming a little tune to himself as he thought of all the things he could do without Glynda. He could spin around in his chair without her telling him to "act his age." He could drink from the liquor bottles on the top shelf without her telling him "happy hour doesn't start at 12 p.m."

He continued down the path until his melodic humming was interrupted by a large squishing sound from beneath his foot.

Ozpin looked down and saw a large brown pile of something just beneath his loafer.

He lifted his foot to get a better look at what he'd stepped on.

"Oh fucking hell."

Ozpin couldn't believe it. He'd stepped in shit.

 _Was it that Cardin kid?_ Ozpin asked himself. _That little asshole is named after a bird. Birds poop a lot. But then again, Dove is also named after a bird… so is Sky Lark… and Russel. Maybe it was a team effort?_

Ozpin lifted his foot to get a good look at the poop, trying to reason who could be the culprit based on the size.

"Oh god," he said in a panic, nearly gagging at the sight of fresh feces on his shoe. "What do I do? What do I do?"

He did the only thing he could think of and pulled out his scroll. He punched in a few numbers and brought the device to his ear. The ringing didn't last long before another voice appeared on the other end of the line.

" _Ugh… Hello?"_ the voice said, half asleep.

"Glynda!" Ozpin exclaimed. "There's an emergency!"

" _WHAT?!"_ Glynda's voice suddenly exclaimed. She quickly became lucid and alert. " _WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"_

"I stepped in shit!" he whined. "Out in the courtyard!"

" _Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me…"_ she said. Ozpin could practically hear her eyes rolling over the phone. " _You wake me up at 2 in the goddamn morning for this?"_

"Well I didn't know who else to call!"

" _Maybe someone who can actually help you that isn't half way across the country,"_ she suggested _._

Ozpin grunted. "I didn't ask for sarcasm, Glynda, I'm asking for help."

" _Well you're asking the wrong person, Oz,"_ she sighed. " _I've tried to track down the mystery shitter for months."_

Ozpin's eyes widened. "You mean to tell me that you knew about this?!"

" _Yes,"_ she answered. " _It happens once about every three days."_

"And you've done nothing to catch the scumbag?" he asked irritably, trying to shake some of the poo off his shoe.

" _It's just shit, it's not my problem to find out,"_ Glynda said. " _There are more pressing matters to attend to."_

"This is unacceptable! I'm making it my mission to take down the culprit," Ozpin claimed. "Don't try to stop me, Glynda."

" _Wouldn't dream of it,"_ she drawled. " _Can I go back to sleep now?"_

A smirk appeared on his face. "Only if you tell me where the key to the pantry is."

" _Oz,"_ she sighed. " _You know I can't do that."_

"Why not?!"

" _Because the last time you had full access you put laxatives in James' soup!"_

"C'mon!" Ozpin sounded offended. "We both know that was funny!"

" _Listen, Oz,"_ Glynda said sternly. " _I don't give a damn what you do. I'm off to bed. Please don't burn down the school."_

"Fine," he sighed. "I'll find our mystery Prairie Dogger."

He received no answer on the other end.

Ozpin heard a few dead beeps. "Glynda? Glynda?"

When he received no response, he lifted his foot and sniffed it. "Yep. This is one fine Prairie Dogger."

* * *

The next day during class, RWBY was attempting to pay attention to Oobleck's trademark mile-a-minute mouth and the words that were spewing from it.

"...andso, thefaunusrightsrevolutionwasamajorturningdickpointforthewhitefang…"

Blake's ears flicked and she leaned in to whisper to Yang. "Did...did he just say 'dick?'"

Yang was confused. "What? No, I don't think so? You must be imagining things."

"Ms. Belladonna!" Oobleck called. "Since you feel so confident about the material that you would have a conversation with Miss Xiao Long, could you please repeat what I last said?"

"Uhhhh," Blake said, nervously. "The Faunus Rights Revolution was a major turning dick point for the White Fang…?"

Oobleck's eyes went wide. "Oh! So you WERE paying attention! Very good, Miss Belladonna."

Blake watched with her mouth ajar as Oobleck turned around and started writing on the blackboard.

Ruby giggled and glanced to the left, only to notice her partner was falling asleep. Being the team leader, she was responsible for her teammates, so she nudged Weiss in the side. "Wake up!"

"Gah...wha?" Weiss said with a thin stream of drool coming from the corner of her mouth.

"Jeez," Ruby sighed, wiping the drool from her partner's face with her sleeve. "Why're you so tired?"

"Zwei wouldn't let me sleep last night until I walked him," Weiss replied. "He was restless until he… he…"

"Did his business?" Ruby finished.

"Yeah, that."

Yang couldn't help but hear the conversation and chimed in. "You cleaned it up, didn't you?"

"O-of course I did!" Weiss hissed, "I always do!"

Suddenly, the intercom made a dinging noise, alerting the entire school.

" _Attention students,"_ Ozpin's voice boomed through the school. " _It has come to my attention that there has been an incident in the courtyard sometime last night."_

A few whispers lingered in the classroom.

Ruby gasped. "What happened?"

Ozpin continued. " _I would just like to make it clear that publicly defecating in the middle of the courtyard is extremely inappropriate."_

Yang, Ruby, and Blake simultaneously turned to Weiss, who was hiding her face in shame.

"Oh, Jesus Christ…" Yang said as her palm slapped against her forehead while Ozpin continued over the loudspeaker.

" _One of you thought it'd be a good idea to pull down your pants, hover your buttcheeks over the grass, and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog."_

The entire lecture hall erupted with laughter. However, team RWBY were the only ones not laughing and instead, looking down at the desks, hoping no one would notice.

" _It is school property and it's entirely inappropriate. It's just as bad as if you got up on your desk, pulled down your pants, and shat all over it… OH YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, QROW?!"_

After a few seconds of muffled noises and sharp girlish yelp, Ozpin continued.

" _I would like to give the culprit the opportunity to turn themselves in,"_ he said. " _I promise that if you make yourself known, your punishment will be swift and painless."_

Some more laughter echoed in the school as the intercom cut out.

Yang was glaring holes into the side of Weiss' head.

"I thought you said you cleaned it up," Blake seethed. "Even _I_ clean up his crap!"

"It's not like he'll find my wittle Zwei," Weiss stated. "He thinks a student did it."

"I hope you're right…" Ruby mumbled.

* * *

"I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do!" Ozpin said as he slammed his fist down on the desk.

"Jeez, Oz," Qrow said as he took a sip of whiskey from his cup and leaned against the wall. "Someone took a shit on the lawn. That's like every Thursday night for me."

"Are you saying you're not taking this seriously?" Ozpin asked, exasperated.

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"Dammit, Qrow! What are you even doing here?" Ozpin asked, "You're not even a teacher anymore."

Qrow sighed. "I'm watching over you as a favor to Glynda. I owe her after that amazing night at the motel…"

Ozpin's eyes narrowed. "Somehow, I'm starting to like you less and less with every word that comes out of your mouth."

"Relax," Qrow advised. "Listen, I'm sure whoever is doing it will stop eventually," he said with a smirk.

Ozpin shot him a glare, suspicious of Qrow's confidence. "Are you the one?"

"Psh, if it was me, I'd have admitted it to you already while simultaneously rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off at that little speech you gave over the intercom."

"Oh don't you have a tavern waitress you're supposed to be harassing right about now?" Ozpin sharply replied.

Qrow checked his watch. "Not until four…"

"You're despicable," Ozpin said.

"And you my friend, are Captain Ahab, looking for the culprit who took the legendary Moby Shit on your lawn."

Ozpin sat down in his phallic shaped chair and spun around in circles. "Yes I am, and Glynda's on vacation, so I'm free to do as I please."

"That's how you remember it?" Qrow asked. "As I recall, she was incredibly hesitant to let you alone with the school without her supervision. That's why I'm here"

"I've done well so far," Ozpin said as his chair slowed down to a halt.

"Yeah, sure," Qrow replied. "That's why you called her at 2 in the morning asking her what you should do about the shit on your shoe."

Ozpin gasped. "She told you about that?"

"Yeah, she tells me everything…" he said as he leaned in closer to Ozpin. "Everything…"

"Even the-"

"Yep," Qrow confirmed. "Even that."

Ozpin nervously rubbed his backside. "That still hurts."

"My point is, without Glynda, this school would go to hell in a poorly crafted handbasket."

Ozpin laughed stoically. "Yeah, we'll see about that. I can keep this school running, and I'm gonna start with finding out who's doodie I stepped in."

Qrow just shook his head in silence and walked out of the room. He felt like he should warn his nieces about the trouble they and Zwei might encounter.


End file.
